I have been feeling so lonely lately. I just woke up the other morning, and I was like, ‘how did I get here?’. There has been so much to think about, feel, and do since my husband pulled the pin out of the grenade back in May, when he told me he wanted a divorce. First, I had to figure out how to navigate the new ‘relationship’ as cohabiting co-parents, how, in the midst of my emotional confusion, to keep it cool around the kids, then, how to stand my ground and tell him that, ‘thanks but no thanks, I am not moving out of state just to accommodate you and your new life you are planning, that does not include me’. Then, when he didn’t like that answer and started threatening me (by saying he would take the kids, accuse me of being an unfit parent, and get custody) I had to figure out how to hire an attorney (I did) file for divorce (I did) and get my rights protected (I did). Phew. Then, when my husband left to start his new life, he dropped another bomb. Our divorce was not settled (because we couldn’t reach an agreement about spousal support) so he told me he was basically going to put X amount in a joint bank account, each month, and that was it… “until I signed off on a divorce agreement, or we went to court.” UGH. Just writing about that and thinking about that, makes me so angry. What an asshole! He told me this as I was driving him TO THE AIRPORT with our kids in the backseat. He took away my power to stick up for myself or express my anger. Because he knew I wouldn’t do that in front of the kids. (Though, after years of emotional abuse and gas lighting, it’s possible I wouldn’t have said anything even if the kids weren’t present. I don’t know).
Then, shortly after he left, my mom died. Very suddenly. Like the very next week.
I’ve been back and forth to California now a couple of times, to help my sister make arrangements, and then, to attend the memorial.
I still haven’t processed my emotions from all of that.
There’s no time to feel.
There’s no time to heal.
I have to try and figure out my new life and figure out how to make a solid income to try and take care of my 2 kids and myself. We currently have no health insurance, and a very limited income (what my husband has decided to give)…
In his defense I will say that when my mom died, he booked a last minute flight back from Atlanta to come stay with the kids over the weekend, so I could fly to California on my own and deal with things. And, he is paying for my son’s school tuition (my son has special needs and goes to a private school) which is $1,200.00 a month.
But that doesn’t excuse his past behavior and the tactics he has taken throughout this whole process.
Finally though, we have reached a settlement. It is so much easier dealing with the business of getting divorced when I only have to discuss it with my attorney (who discusses it with his attorney) and I do not have to see him or deal with his demands, lectures, etc..
So, as you can see (if you’ve kept with me this far, and I thank you)… there hasn’t been a lot of time to process everything that’s happening. The end of a 12-year marriage. The end of my life-as-I-knew-it and the start of my new life (whatever that is!). Now, though, as the settlement has been reached, the divorce is almost final, and I’m starting to (sort of) get into a rhythm of my new life…I think the reality is starting to set in.
Not completely. I mean, my psyche can only deal with so much.
And my first set of priorities are dealing with pure survival and keeping this house of cards from falling down around me and my kids…
But. I feel it creeping in. The realizations. It’s over. I am not married anymore. I am a 43-year-old divorced, single mom. I have no family close by. I have just me, and my kids. It’s all on me. I’ve also lost so much lately. Not just my own mother, but, the family I had come to love so much and had really adopted as my own; my In-Laws. In my husband’s family, I had gained a really wonderful Father and Mother-in-law and two sisters-in-law….
And I miss them so fucking much.
But I can not be in contact with them right now.
I just can’t. And don’t know if I should.
Nothing will ever be the same.
So much has been stripped away lately and I feel naked and exposed and empty.
I am not sure if the loneliness I feel is really missing him… or if it’s just having someone around in general. And I really don’t want a relationship right now, it’s not like that. I’m good with being solo. I wouldn’t even know how to navigate a relationship, even a casual one right now. So I know I’m going to have to be good with being alone for now, maybe for a long time. Maybe, even, for ever.
But I think, deep down, that the loneliness I am feeling now does not compare with the loneliness I was feeling living with someone every day who was supposed to love me, but didn’t. Someone who had actively ignored me for years. Someone who withdrew love and affection. Someone who really, despised me…
That was lonelier.
I just have to keep reminding myself of that every time I start slipping and thinking about the “good times”.
So, I need to learn how to feel the loneliness, feel the discomfort, and let it be what it is. Not put a value on it, just acknowledge it. And move on. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time. Given my circumstances, each day is really a victory, and each thing I figure out on my own (a new bank account, a parenting decision, a few days of freelance work to bring in money, how to get the microwave fixed….You name it) is a task and an accomplishment on its own.
My hope is that anyone reading this who can relate can feel less alone just by knowing…you’re not alone!